


Time On My Hands Could Be Time Spent With You

by amethystkrystal



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Apologies, Bucky Barnes Feels, Fix-It, Forgiveness, Hopeful Ending, Hurt feelings, M/M, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-03
Updated: 2019-05-03
Packaged: 2020-02-16 08:33:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18687889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amethystkrystal/pseuds/amethystkrystal
Summary: "The man I loved my entire life stepped onto that platform and disappeared. And then ten seconds later, you show up sitting on this bench after living an entire lifetime without me. I don't know what the hell to do or how to feel.""I'm still the same guy, Buck. I'm still your Steve."





	Time On My Hands Could Be Time Spent With You

Bucky watches Sam walk back up the hill, bearing the shield. Their eyes meet and a short, wordless exchange passes between them as Sam holds the shield up, an eyebrow raised.

_Are you really sure?_

Bucky nods. _Absolutely. It's yours._

When Sam and Bruce are gone, Bucky finally makes his way down to the waterfront bench. He sits down beside Steve but keeps his eyes fixed on the lake in front of him. He doesn't want to look yet, doesn't want to see that familiar face marked with age.

They sit in silence for a moment, and then, Steve puts a hand on his shoulder and Bucky turns to look at last. He takes it all in: the wrinkles, the silver hair, the bent posture. And then he finds Steve's eyes — the only part of him that's unchanged — and he can't look anywhere else.

Bucky swallows, trying to get it together. He _knew_ what Steve was going to do. The minute he'd volunteered to take the Stones back alone, Bucky knew what it meant. He was ready to say goodbye, ready to let go, ready to aside his hurt and let Steve have the happiness he deserved.

He wasn't ready for this, though. He wasn't ready for Steve to _come back_.

"How was it?" Bucky asks at last.

Steve smiles, and even with the added lines on his face, it's exactly the same. "We were happy. All of us."

"'All of us'?"

"First thing I did was save you, Buck." His voice is soft and worn, but the intonation, the cadence… it's still _Steve_.

Bucky doesn't know how to feel. It should light up something warm inside him to know his rescue was a priority, to imagine Steve and the Commandos tearing down a HYDRA base to get to him. Except… that wasn't how it really went. Not for him anway.

When Bucky doesn't say anything, Steve goes on. "We stopped HYDRA for real. We built SHIELD. Me, you, Peggy, and Howard… we did a lot of good in the world."

I _didn't do any of that_ , Bucky almost says. It's making him hurt and furious at the same time, thinking about this alternate Bucky. He doesn't want to be angry, though, doesn't want to fight with Steve. Not right now. He glances down at the gold band on Steve's finger and says, "You married her."

Steve's smile turns sheepish, and he looks away. "Yeah, I did. We were married almost 70 years before she died."

"And then you came back here." That's the part Bucky's still stuck on. He doesn't understand what Steve wants from this timeline, why he would come back when his happy ending is somewhere else.

"I didn't come back after Peggy died," Steve says and he meets Bucky's eyes with sudden intensity. "I came back after _you_ did."

"What do you mean?"

Steve reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out a plain white envelope. He holds it out and Bucky takes it. There's a letter inside, and his heart stills when he recognizes the handwriting as his own.

_Bucky -_

_If you're reading this it means Steve did what I told him to. (For once in his life.)_

_I'm over a hundred years old, and I know I don't have much time left. I lived a good life. I have about a million nieces and nephews that I adore with all my heart. I built and ran an intelligence organization that did a lot of good for a lot of people. And I got to do it all with the people I love most. There is only one thing about my life that I wish had gone differently, and even though it's too late for me now, I want to at least give you the chance._

_I'm going to tell Steve how I feel about him, how I've_ _always_ _felt about him. And then I'm going to tell him to go back to you._

The letter goes on, but Bucky stops reading right there, looking up at Steve, heart pounding. Steve is looking at him with a gentle expression, looking almost… hopeful? It takes Bucky a second before he manages, "What the hell is this?"

"Before he died, the Bucky in the other timeline told he loved me his whole life." Steve huffs out a small, humorless laugh, shaking his head. "And he — _you_ —  never said a damn thing about it before because, well, you know." And Bucky _does_ know. Because it was the 19-fucking-30s and Steve already got beat up for enough reasons and didn't need another. Because Steve looked at Peggy like she was the sun and moon and stars, and she looked at him the same damn way.

"The thing is Buck..." Steve lets out a quiet sigh and reaches out to take Bucky's flesh hand, twining their fingers together. "I loved you all that time, too."

"Steve..." Bucky begins, but he doesn't know what to say, his words get caught in this throat.

"With my healing factor, I've got decades left." Steve squeezes Bucky's hand tight. "And I want to spend them with you."

Bucky feels a thousand things, all at once. Joy, disbelief, shock. Confusion. Hurt. It's all too much. Steve leaving and then coming back having aged a lifetime, bearing a letter from a different Bucky and speaking his love decades too late.

Bucky pulls his hand away and Steve's face falls. "Bucky—"

"You lived a whole life without me," Bucky says, his voice low and small.

Steve straightens, his jaw taking on that indignant, stubborn set that Bucky knows all too well. "If I'd known how you felt… if I'd known you and me together was an option, I never would have gone."

Bucky just shakes his head, laughing dry and hollow. "God, this is just like you, thinking just because you pulled off some dramatic gesture and said a few deep words that it's all going to be okay." He takes a breath. "You had an _entire life_ that I wasn't there for. You don't just get to come back now and expect you and I to be together like none of that ever happened."

Steve's expression turns desperate. "Bucky, you gotta know I never meant to hurt you."

Bucky sighs, blinking back tears. "The man I loved my entire life stepped onto that platform and disappeared. And then ten seconds later, you show up sitting on this bench after living an entire lifetime without me. I don't know what the hell to do or how to feel."

"I'm still the same guy, Buck. I'm still your Steve."

Bucky has to look away because tears have started streaming down Steve's weathered cheeks, and despite all his anger, the sight of that still breaks his heart. They're both quiet for a long while and Bucky thinks on it, on _everything_ . It's a lot to wrap his head around, nearly too much, but in the end, a single sentiment wins out. Even in his confusion — even in his _anger_ — he loves Steve with his whole heart.

Slowly, he reaches to take Steve's hand again. "I'm not saying everything is okay. I'm not saying I forgive you. But… I don't want to lose you. Not again."

Steve's face is solemn, understanding. "I just want to be with you, Buck. In any way you'll have me."

Bucky lets out a deep breath. "Let's just start with going home."

Steve laughs at that, looking around them. "You know, I don't really know where that is anymore."

Bucky allows himself a tiny smile. "We can figure it out."

 

**______**

 

_I know you'll be pissed at him. And you have every right to be. Steve Rogers is a goddamn idiot; I think you and I both know that. He's reckless and impulsive and the stunt he pulled going back in time for a life he never got to have was a prime example. It was a selfish thing to do. But here's the thing about Steve and being selfish: He only does it when he's sure everyone else is taken care of. And I know when he left you, he honest to God believed you were going to be okay._

_Getting that wrong is on him, but it's also on us a little bit too. You and me both have spent our whole lives hiding our hurts to protect Steve. Sometimes he sees through it but not always. And I guess this was one of those times you shoved your feelings too deep inside for him to see._

_So I'm telling you: don't hide anymore. If he broke your heart then you show him all the pieces that are scattered on the floor and you make him feel bad about the mess he made. And then, I hope you'll let him pick it up and fix it._

 

**______**

 

They get a place in Brooklyn. Two bedrooms because Bucky still isn't ready yet for the feelings they both know they share. It's strange for a while, because this version of Steve is both exactly like the Steve he knew and also profoundly different. This Steve is… softer. More worn. He's still immutable in his nature and principles, but what was once stubbornness has become confident wisdom. He still wants to play his part in saving the world, but instead of barreling toward trouble himself, he mentors Sam and Wanda and Peter. With them he is patient and supportive and always pushing them to be their best selves.

Bucky had never seen that paternal side of Steve before, and it makes him wonder if Steve had children in that alternate timeline. He doesn't ask, though. They never talk about Steve's other life. They don't talk about much at all, really.

They've been living together almost two months when a terrible thunderstorm hits. Bucky doesn't even bother to go to bed that night, knowing he won't get a second of sleep with the thunderclaps coming every other minute, sounding like the battlefields he relives sometimes in his nightmares.

He and Steve have both been in the living room for hours, Bucky trying to distract himself with a book while Steve sketched, and it's past ten o'clock before Bucky realizes Steve isn't going to bed either.

"I hate thunderstorms," Bucky says quietly. It's the first thing either have them said to each other all evening.

Steve looks up from his sketchbook, expression soft even as he grimaces. "I do too." He pauses for a second. "Do you want to watch a movie?"

"Sure."

They scroll through the options on the TV. One of the available movies catches Bucky's eye and he pauses on it.

"That's a good one," Steve says. "You'll like it."

"You've seen it before?"

Steve glances away, a sad look coming over his face. He hesitates before saying, "Yeah. Peggy and I took the grandkids to see it in theaters."

"Oh." A lump starts to form in Bucky's throat but he swallows it down. He's so _done_ with being haunted by the other life Steve lived. "What were they like? Your grandkids, I mean."

Steve still looks sad but he gives Bucky a smile as he tells him. "There's five of them. Two boys and three girls. All a bunch of smartasses."

Bucky cracks a smile despite the ache in his chest. "I wonder where they got that from."

Steve just laughs, shaking his head. They don't say any more on the subject, but when Bucky puts the movie on, the weight in his chest just feels the slightest bit lessend.

By the time the movie is done, the thunder and lightning has stopped. Bucky turns the TV off and he and Steve both make their way down the hall to their respective bedrooms. In the doorway. Bucky hesitates and then back turns toward Steve.

"Hey," he says softly. "If you wanted, I wouldn't mind if you stayed in my room tonight. Just in case the thunder starts again, we wouldn't have to be alone."

Steve's eyes go wide, though his shocked expression at Bucky's offer quickly turns into a tender look. "Are you sure, Buck?"

Bucky just nods.

They fall asleep not touching, on opposite sides of the bed. But when Bucky wakes up in the morning, he's curled against Steve's chest with their legs tangled together. He closes his eyes again and listens to the steady beat of Steve's heart, lets himself settle into the sensation of their bodies pressed close together.

A beam of sunlight peeks in through the crack in the curtains. The storm has passed.

**Author's Note:**

> I have to say this is probably the most difficult fic I've ever written. I wanted to show how much Bucky was hurt by Steve's actions while also still having a hopeful, happy ending for them. It was a difficult balance to strike. I'm still processing my feelings about the final scene in Avengers Endgame, but writing this fic was immensely cathartic and I hope it will help others feel better about it too.
> 
> Say hello to me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/amethystk219)!


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